It’s hard to believe that 40 years have passed since Spinal Tap rocked the silver screen with their eponymous documentary, This is Spinal Tap. 40 years later, they’re about to do so again with a long awaited follow up film, Spinal Tap II: The End Continues. What better way to celebrate the occasion than with a Top 10 that walks a fine line between stupid and clever? Considering how many punchlines this band has provided as fodder for my album reviews (I’ve lost count how many times I’ve cracked the jazz odyssey joke), the least I can do is pay homage to them with a Top 10 that goes to 11. Without further ado, here are our Top 10 Spinal Tap Songs.
10. “Short and Sweet”
Before gen Z sex symbol Sabrina Carpenter damn near trademarked the phrase, “Short and Sweet” was the title of a rare Spinal Tap love song, in which David St. Hubbins professes his love for a dwarf, hence the title. The irony, however, is that the song itself is anything but “Short and Sweet” going on and on and on for the better part of 6 and a half minutes. A simple hard rock guitar riff repeats ad nauseum, while an all-star trio of Steve Vai, Phil Collen, and John Mayer (yes, THEE John Mayer) trade licks. For all purposes, “Short and Sweet” may as well be the band’s jazz odyssey manifested through a braindead jam rock filter.
9. “Bitch School”
Behold: The greatest song about training dogs in rock history! Unfortunately, those perverted record execs got the wrong idea, somehow interpreting the song to have misogynist undertones and capitalizing on such. Of course, this wouldn’t be the first time Spinal Tap were misunderstood. Look no further than the Smell the Glove album cover debacle, but I digress. Misinterpreted lyrics aside, “Bitch School” is a straightforward heavy rocker with a driving beat and grinding riffs, not far removed from early ’80s Krokus. Wait ’til you feel its bite!
8. “Sex Farm”
Now whereas “Bitch School” was grossly misunderstood, “Sex Farm” is anything but. Cheeky innuendos and all, there isn’t much difference between the lyrical fare of this classic and what bands like Anvil and KISS were cranking out around the same time. Of course, when it comes to the genius behind “Sex Farm”, who better to speak on the topic than bassist Derek Smalls? In This is Spinal Tap, Smalls says about bandmates St. Hubbins and Nigel Tufnel, “We’re very lucky in the band in that we have two visionaries, David and Nigel, they’re like poets, like Shelley and Byron. They’re two distinct types of visionaries, it’s like fire and ice, basically. I feel my role in the band is to be somewhere in the middle of that, kind of like lukewarm water.” And there’s nothing wrong with lukewarm water.
7. “Hell Hole”
For this hellish tune, St. Hubbins relinquishes vocal duties to infamous axeman Tufnel, who can also carry a tune quite well. As dumb as “Hell Hole” is (and that’s an adjective you’ll likely see more as this list progresses), for a Deep Purple flavored rocker (get a load of those Hammonds), it’s far from shabby. If I didn’t know this was a blatant parody of the metal scene of the day, I’d assume this was a Rods deep cut from the same era. I’m not sure if that speaks highly of the Tap or lowly of The Rods, so make of it what you will, reader.
6. “The Majesty of Rock”
Who to proclaim the majesty of rock and pageantry of roll in the age of grunge and gloom than Spinal Tap? When metal needed them the most, the band came storming back with 1992’s Break like the Wind: A final album that doesn’t get its due in comparison to the band’s past output. This album is rife with classics, but it’s the pomp metal epic, “The Majesty of Rock”, that finds itself on this here list at #6. Of course, taking their English lineage into consideration, it makes sense Spinal Tap would pen such a song. Us fickle Americans couldn’t begin to process such regal ideals.
5. “Tonight I’m Gonna Rock You Tonight”
Come the mid ’80s, it became standard industry practice for every hard and heavy act to include at least one song with the word “rock” in the title per album. In other words, if you looked through a teenage headbanger’s record collection and drank a shot for every time a song title boasted the word “rock”, you’d succumb to liver failure thanks to the Twisted Sister catalog alone! Spinal Tap were no exception to this rule. “Tonight I’m Gonna Rock You Tonight” rocks so hard that the title features the word “rock” once and the word “tonight” twice! Indeed, it’s a great big world, but there’s only one of Spinal Tap (thank heavens).
4. “Christmas with the Devil”
Who better to celebrate Christmas with than the dark lord? Oh, Spinal Tap perhaps? This twisted Christmas carol is so bonafide badass that the band recorded it not once, but twice! For the sake of this list, we’re including the Break like the Wind version, which boasts heavier guitars and a fuller production than the 1984 original. All jokes aside, this really is one of the best Christmas songs in metal history. The evil lyrics give off W.A.S.P. vibes, the riffs smoke, and the song itself is massive (A common theme of Break as an album, but more on that later).
3. “Big Bottom”
Roughly 6 years since Freddie Mercury sang about his love of “Fat Bottomed Girls”, Spinal Tap kept the trend going with the aptly bottom-heavy “Big Bottom”. See, even in 1984, bassists were the unsung hero of the rock n’ roll band, often hiding on the sidelines as the golden god frontman or guitar hero reaped the rewards. However, “Big Bottom” flips the script on this narrative. Smalls goes to town with one of the greatest basslines in rock history, aided by his bandmates also holding down the groove. In other words, “Big Bottom” is bass on bass on bass. How else could you sing about “Big Bottom” without a big bottom end? Exactly!
2. “Break Like the Wind”
Much of Spinal Tap’s catalog can be categorized as simple, straightforward, fun, and rockin’. Epic? Pomp? Progressive? Vast? Not so much…or so you incorrectly assumed! The title track off their 1992 opus, “Break like the Wind” is, in all seriousness, a brilliant slab of power-doom. Seriously, how hasn’t Smoulder or Crypt Sermon tackled this one in the form of a B-side? Sure, you can’t mess with perfection, but still. “Break like the Wind” is a legitimately massive and magnificent slab of true metal mania, only to be topped by an equally massive and magnificent monument of a tune…
- “Stonehenge”
“In ancient times, hundreds of years before the dawn of history
Lived a strange race of people: The druids
No-one knows who they were or what they were doing
But their legacy remains, hewn into the living rock of Stonehenge”
You know, I’m just gonna say it. This isn’t just the best Spinal Tap song, but one of the best ’80s metal songs period. With its wild arrangement, accentuated synths, and historic lyrics, one could easily argue this served as a template for progressive metal. If it was a joke, then man, Spinal Tap did NOT have to go this hard, because here we are 40 years later, losing our minds to this banger and dancing around like elf-dressed dwarves. THIS is Spinal Tap, and THIS is their greatest song, “Stonehenge”.