This past Friday, as I was drinking the night way and blasting Deep Purple’s classic Made in Japan (1972), a friend sent a link to a group chat of a new album from a band called Chopping Mall. Knowing this friend’s penchant for every Gorguts knockoff under the sun, I chalked this up to nothing more than some senseless tech death noodling. Furthermore, Chopping Mall is one of my favorite 80s horror movies of all time. I don’t want to associate that movie with random time signature changes and dissonant riffs. The next day, while in the midst of writing another review, my dad sent me the same link with the text, “Check this out if you wanna hear something crazy!”. Now THIS is a man whose opinion I respect. After all, it was my dad who years ago started me on my metal journey with Rush, Sabbath, Priest, Van Halen…you get the idea.
Much to my surprise, Chopping Mall is not a tech death band. They’re not a brutal death band. Actually, they’re not even a band. Chopping Mall is the product of Koth Dolgomoru’s twisted imagination. Each track is as hard hitting as it is hilarious. And nobody is off limits. From trophy hunters (“Impaled by Elephant Tusks”) to televangelists (“Shitting in Joel Oalsteen’s Mouth”) and everyone in between, Chopping Mall is out to get you with the power of deathgrind.
Once I got past the absurdity of the song titles and lyrics, I realized that this record is really good! One man Bandcamp projects are a dime a dozen. Every other goofball and their dad is out there promoting their trve kvlt black metal project from Hell, Norway (gimme a break). Meanwhile, Mr. Dolgomoru shows us how it’s done with a collection of 20 songs ranging from neck breaking grind to groovy mid tempo death metal. I usually despise any death metal that alienates from the classic late 80s/early 90s sound. However, it can be done properly. Look no further than the riffs on “Forced to Eat Moldy Granola”, “Rapid Formation of Mold”, and “Gored by a Dinosaur Skeleton That Came to Life at the Museum”. Good luck getting those out of your head.
Mauled is not completely without a nod to the old school. My favorite songs, “Choking on Unchewed Food” and “Plastered in Unicorn Feces”, are nasty displays of Impetigo worship. “Gurgling Vomit From the Mouth of an Engorged Walrus” (How am I writing these titles with a straight face?) opens with a thrashtastic mosh riff that’s bound to get a pit started in your living room. Meanwhile, “Dismembered by Mossy Elk Antlers” and “Torn to Shreds by Eagle Talons” are the closest thing to slam you’ll hear me praising.
After being punched, pounded, and pulverized by these 20 blasts of death, the last thing I expected to close this album was a 7 minute country opera, but here we are. “Barbecue” plays out like a scene from a lost Burt Reynolds movie. A weary traveller comes across a roadside shack and is given a lesson on smoked meats by some good ol’ boys. I’m not kidding.
It’s amazing that such a well written, well produced, and well put together album has arrived on Bandcamp of all places. It makes me want to ask all the other one man bands, “What’s your excuse?”. Mauled is the apex of bedroom metal projects. We could all use a good laugh and barbaric riffs these days. Leave it to Chopping Mall to kill two birds with one stone.
7 out of 10
Label: Independent
Genre: Death Metal/Grindcore
For fans of: Mortician, Sanguisugabogg, Impetigo