As Vinnie Vincent Invasion sang, “It’s that time of year.” Thanksgiving is right around the corner. Time for another round of stuffing your face with turkey, pumpkin pie, and…stuffing! I was thinking over how I’d tie this occasion into this week’s Top 10. Well you could thank my dad, the man who got me into metal in the first place, for giving me this ungodly idea.
Here’s the catch. I could’ve easily listed 10 metalcore or nu metal albums. Hell, I could’ve listed some nerdy power metal band’s entire discography, like Iced Earth. But to make this fair, every album on this list comes from a band I absolutely love and/or respect greatly. If you’re going into this list expecting Music from the Elder, Turbo, or Cold Lake, don’t. The fact of the matter is, Elder is pretty damn solid, Turbo, while patchy, has some bangers (“Out in the Cold”), and the only thing that makes Cold Lake “bad” is that it’s Celtic Frost. If it was some random Sunset Strip band, it’d be a cult classic. No, the 10 albums you’re about to be exposed to are the worst of the worst, the bottom of the barrel, and albums that make the three I just listed sound like bonafide masterpieces. Without further ado, here are our Top 10 Metal Turkeys.
10. Lita Ford – Wicked Wonderland (2009)
After a nearly 15 year hiatus, Lita Ford returned with an album that would’ve sounded dated in 1999, let alone 2009. The industrial rock shitshow known as Wicked Wonderland was spearheaded by Ford’s ex husband, former Nitro singer, and full time goofball, Jim Gillette. Needless to say, this album did not have the keys to the Lamborghini. At best, it had the keys to the Pinto. Oh wait. That was the other knob from Nitro whose torture, I mean, instructional video featured that cheesy line.
Following Wicked Wonderland‘s release, Ford left Gillette and returned to her classic heavy metal/hard rock sound. She’s also gone on to disown this album, going as far as to tell fans to “throw it in the trash”. At least that’s what she told me when I met her at 14 years old.
9. Slayer – God Hates Us All (2001)
God doesn’t hate us all, but he sure as hell hates this album. For those of you who go on about how Slayer “stayed true” throughout the entire course of their career, I give you exhibit B. Exhibit A would be their previous album, Diabolus in Musica (1998), which is almost as cringe worthy. While Slayer may not have gone down the modern rock road tread by Metallica, Megadeth, and Anthrax, their co-opting of the cargo short clad sounds of the day was just as bad, if not worse. Amazingly, this album’s release was only the second most tragic thing to happen on September 11, 2001.
8. Demolition Hammer – Time Bomb (1994)
What do you do after releasing two of the greatest brutal thrash albums of all time? Hop on the Pantera bandwagon and disillusion your entire fanbase, of course! That’s exactly what Demolition Hammer did with their third album, Time Bomb. For a genre riddled with redundancy, Demolition Hammer takes things to a new low. One riff bleeds into the next which bleeds into the next and so on. Before we know it, we’ve got a 40 minute mishmash of unlistenable aggro-metal that’d only appeal to frat boys named Chad.
7. Destruction – The Least Successful Human Cannonball (1998)
Do you know how bad an album has to be to be disowned by the band who made it? Destruction does. That’s exactly what they did with their fifth album, The Least Successful Human Cannonball. What on earth were they thinking? Did they really think they’d land a coveted spot playing the Ozzfest parking lot stage at 11 in the morning? The leather jackets and bullet belts of the 80s were traded in for JNCO and FUBU. The result was as hideous as you’d imagine. Perhaps this album would be more effective if it were retitled The Least Successful Destruction Album.
6. Queensrÿche – Dedicated to Chaos (2011)
Sacking Geoff Tate was the best thing Queensrÿche ever did, only behind Operation: Mindcrime and the self titled EP. For close to two decades, Tate did everything in his ability to tarnish the band’s name and reputation. The band who once embodied the cutting edge of progressive metal, that Martin Popoff had described as “Iron Maiden for the high rent district”, latched onto generic butt rock, becoming Three Doors Down for the high rent district. The straw that broke the camel’s back came in the form of their twelfth album, Dedicated to Chaos. By now, even diehard Rÿche n’ Rollers were sick of Tate’s self sabotaging.
Thankfully, this story has a happy ending. Tate got fired and lost his rights to the Queensrÿche name. Meanwhile, Queensrÿche hired Todd LaTorre, a vocal doppelganger for Tate circa 1986, and reclaimed their throne as the kings of progressive metal. It’s one thing to recover from a bad album. It’s another thing to recover from a string of bad albums. We here at Defenders of the Faith salute Queensrÿche for being able to rebound like no other band before or after.
5. Scorpions – Eye II Eye (1999)
Ever wonder what Backstreet Boys would sound like if they made an alternative rock album? Me either, but for some reason, Scorpions did. For any other band, Eye II Eye would be a career ender. This insipid collection of Y2K garbage perplexes even the band who created it. Klaus Meine described it as, “…the best mistake that we ever made. We found out how important it is to go back to the Scorpions DNA.” After all, it was that DNA that made Scorpions a household name to begin with.
4. Sepultura – Nation (2001)
There’s no shortage of Sepultura albums I could’ve put on this list. The band has spent more of their career being a laughing stock than being the death/thrash innovators the world initially fell in love with. But of all the turds Sepultura has dropped over the last quarter of a century, Nation takes the cake for the smelliest. All it took was a couple decades for Sepultura to go from making music for thrashing mad lunatics, to making music for spiky haired 12 year olds who could pass as Guy Fieri’s mini mes. Pathetic.
3. Lynch Mob – Smoke This (1999)
Smoke this? No thanks. The only thing George Lynch and the boys offer on this rap metal crapfest is low-grade Reggie. It would’ve made more sense to release it under the moniker Lynch Bizkit. Allegedly, George Lynch believes this is the best album he’s ever made. At least that’s what I’ve heard. If that’s the case, I’d like to know what the hell he’s smoking. I’m convinced nothing can make Smoke This listenable, but if you think you can prove me wrong, feel free to send your strain suggestions in the comments below.
2. Morbid Angel – Illud Divinum Insanus (2011)
I remember June 7, 2011 like it was yesterday. 12 year old Joe dragged his dad along to Best Buy to pick up the new Morbid Angel album, Illud Divinum Insanus. This was it! David Vincent was back! Well, let me put it this way. After one listen, it was back to Village Crossing that evening (the mall which I bought it from) to flip the CD to Half Price Books for half its face value. What’s most “insanus” about this album is that David Vincent brought that Genitorturers crap to his old band and Trey Azagthoth let it slide. Shame on the both of them.
- Metallica / Lou Reed – Lulu (2011)
Much like Sepultura, there’s no shortage of Metallica albums that’d be right at home on this list. I can hear the garbage can snare of St. Anger ringing in my head as I type this. Yet it still pales in comparison to the 90 minutes of soulless droning that is Lulu. Add to that the dying ramblings of aged heroin connoisseur/hipster savior Lou Reed, and you’ve got the worst album in metal history.
Mind you, this is a man who used his clout as one of the most overrated rockstars ever to persuade a major label to release 60+ minutes of noise (1975’s Metal Machine Music), paving the way for every manbun headed, Sunn O))) shirt wearing, avocado toast eating jackass since. And somehow, even in his last days, he managed to make an album even worse.
So this Thanksgiving, I’m thankful for Metallica and Lou Reed. I thank them for reminding me that no matter how many bad albums come my way for review on this site, none will be as bad as Lulu.